Into The Hall of Mirrors

I'm taking a break from hanging out with my Alaskan family because I'm frickin beat and need a minute to myself. It's been an important, but hard realization that alone time is important. There's a lot of pressure to be present and social all the time, especially if you're usually known as an extrovert. People tend to wonder if I'm not okay when I don't want to socialize and then get worried about me. I do need time if we're hanging out for several hours to get away and catch my breath - it doesn't mean I'm angry at you, distressed, or even anxious most of the time. I do deal with anxiety and deep sadness, but they're more rare than you'd think and I'm able to bounce back relatively quickly. They don't like to stick around. The most likely scenario is that I'm out of energy.

Taking alone time is something that's hard for me because my mind when I'm alone becomes like an endless hall of mirrors - echoing, empty, with only myself staring back at me no matter where I go. I'm working on self love and it's getting there, but I'm nowhere close to loving myself unconditionally. I still beat myself up a lot, I don't forgive myself for mistakes, I'm hard on myself for things I shouldn't necessarily be. I still associate self love with vanity in many ways, and while I know they aren't the same thing, they're connected in my head and heart still. I'm still working on separating the two and I'm slowly realizing that it's okay to speak highly of and speak up for myself. It doesn't mean I'm some narcissist, it means that I care about who I am and have a voice I know how to use. I'm re-learning how to use my voice in my music and to tell my own story.

Writing has always been cathartic for me, but now it's become so much more powerful in my life as I become less and less afraid of speaking the truth. "The guilt is gone," I wrote once, "because I don't need it anymore." I was right. I don't need it anymore. I kind of want to walk this hall of mirrors as night falls, stay up through that night, and write about what I go through during that time. That would be cool. 

I was talking to someone today and they suggested I journal whenever I cry. Journaling is incredibly difficult for me emotionally because it can easily slant towards the dark side of things and I get trapped in there. But I think in order to confront myself in the hall of mirrors, I need to give my thoughts power. I need to let my mind do its thing. No light without dark. No dark without light. Wish me luck.

-Meg
(they/them)

 

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